Friday, September 28, 2012

I'm not me anymore - by Trudi Kwakernaak

I received this in our inbox today and wanted to share

"I wrote this for my son who suffers from PTSD. Many of our soldiers are suffering and they need our support and understanding. It's an illness that hits every individual differently and it's difficult to comprehend it's effects, difficult to diagnose, difficult to treat and very difficult to overcome. My thoughts and prayers are with all those afflicted."
- Trudi Kwakernaak

I’m Not Me Anymore 

I went over there anxious and willing to fight 
I came home beaten and far from alright 
They say I’m different, definitely not the same 
Some days I don’t even know my own name. 

I wore my uniform with overflowing pride 
Carried my rifle easily by my side 
Displayed the Maple Leaf for all to see 
I was exactly where I wanted to be 

I did my job each and every day 
Didn't stay back, hide or shy away 
The enemy had weapons we had never seen 
They were heartless, relentless and downright mean 

I was doing okay with days to go 
When my time was up, I could go happily home 
Of course I couldn't predict what was to come 
Now I’m someone my friends shy away from 

One minute we were enjoying esprit de corps 
Then the scenery changed and we became victims of war 
Laughter receded and misery prevailed 
Only those involved will know what that day entailed 

I lost my buddies, watched them die 
I was forced by the enemy to say goodbye 
I had a close call but they paid the price 
My life is forever changed because of an explosive device 

You say I’m lucky because I lived 
I came home in one piece with nothing physically wrong 
You can’t see my injuries, can’t feel my pain 
I came home alive but I’ll never be the same 
I’m depressed and anxious, my head is quickly spinning 
I’m slowing dying inside, the demons are winning 

I was a soldier; dedicated, proud & gung ho 
Living each day in a fog is now the status quo 
You say I’ve changed and you don’t like what you see 
You tell me to get over it and start living again 
I’m trying but inside I feel numb, totally off track 
Depressingly unsure if the old me will ever come back 

Forgive me for being a different person 
But you can’t even imagine what I've been through 
Don’t judge me or hate me or tell me my future’s bright 
Life isn't the same, and I’m not alright. 

Trudi Kwakernaak


  1. Wow, Trudi, this brought tears to my eyes. You have put into words what so many do not understand. Our Heroes need our love and support. As you say we cannot imagine what they have been through. We can be there for them! Thank you for writing this! I pray for all afflicted by this invisible disease <3

  2. My daughter worked for the USO's Wounded Warrior Center at Landstuhl in Germany for a year. She met many like you with PTSD. I had the honor of spending one Christmas there with her and met some of the soldiers passing through the Center. I am so glad there is a center like that available. I only wish there were more here in the states. My son is finishing Basic Training next week and I pray so hard that God keeps him out of harm's way. I already lost my father while he was serving in the Air Force. God bless you and may all that suffer from this disease someday feel some healing. And God bless all of you who have served. May you some day feel rewarded.